sometimes there really is nothing to say. no matter how hard you try to find the right word, it falls short of your experience. no matter the verb, noun, comma or period..it will never explain what is really happening in your heart. that is why i think i have always been more drawn to movement. to the picture. the story reenacted thoughtfully and as honestly as possible. 

however, there are times when the written word moves me to the point of creation. this is not easy for me. I am always so self critical of what comes onto the page. there are so many with more talent. they are maestros of letters. I am merely an apprentice. if, that, to be honest. BUT....like i said before, there is no one i am trying to be, nothing i am trying to say perfectly. its all a process and that is that. words are also a process. constantly changing. language is in flux.  therefore, why strive for perfection? who cares? exit the window.. and move on.

this past year has been so transformative.  just from a physical standpoint I changed jobs, got a house, had another baby, watched my son transiton to schoolboy. sometimes i forgot to breathe through it all. but here I am, on the other side of this transisition and I am just learning how to inhale again.

I have had so many thoughts, so many little realizations over the year...but it has been hard for me to (like i said earlier)  match my feelings with written language. this is just an attempt to get my feet wet. I love this site because it gives me the opportunity to experiment with my written voice in a safe place. I am very grateful for Gaia for that.

so what do i have to say right now? well...i guess I just said it.

I am not really one to make resolutions on new years eve. for some reason, that just doesn't work for me at all. I have to be fully prepared for a change, feel it intuitively, and then make it work. I say this because i was a person who tells herself she needs to change on a daily basis. I need to be more organized, more patient, punctual, and have great eating habits all the time. I used to imagine every day being the last day that i would be lazy or take things too personally. I would tell myself "tomorrow is the start of a new time for me." When that day came and went and i was still my old self, i realized how unfair i was being. Yes, it is wonderful to want to change things that no longer suit you, however, i have learned that i need to make sure the change is something that is ready to happen. If i want to go on a diet, i need to make sure the motivation is entirely within and not something pushed onto me because of what society deems as more pleasant. What are the intentions?

The changes that have really stuck with me in the past were gradual. Becoming a vegan did not happen overnight. It took a lot of research and self discussion. When I lost a lot of weight after my first child, it took a lot of patience and mess ups. It was a gradual process. I have learned the things in my life that are meaningful were things I became aware of...not things people told me I should be focused on.

I guess I say this today because the internet is buzzing with new years resolutions dealing with this diet, that fashion, that excersise regime. I am not saying these are not wonderful. I just want to make sure what I send out there has been thought over and came from a source withiin myself ready to make that change. There is nothing wrong with trying to be more conscientous about biting your nails. Not at all. I would ask myself, why am i biting my nails? what change can I make at a more deeper level?

I hope this does not come across judgemental, self righeous, or arrogant. That is not my intention. I guess I have found a way to respond to myself. I know how I work. I know what gets me motivated. Having said that, I still feel everyday is a great day to evaluate and ask yourself some questions about things which do not serve and let go of those attachments.

The one thing I will be mindful of this year is charity. My intention is to donate a bit of money every month to different organizations locally and worldwide. My reason? Gratitude. I am very grateful to be in a place where I have clean water, food, shelter, transportation, and the abillity to raise my children the way i feel is right. Why not perpetuate that? If I happen to not fullfill this on the desired time line...there is always time to correct that. No self deprecation needed. Just dust off, and try again....as long as the intention is present. 

 So...my intention is there. Here is to manifestation.

Have a great time crossing the yearly threshold and much luck with the transformations you wish to see in your life.

Yesterday, when I got to see my unborn baby; and found out I was having another son. Hearing his little heartbeat and watching him move around like a gymnast made my heart sink into a warm glow. So much love.

reading some of the new things I've written makes me a little woozy. YOu can certainly tell my grammar has worsened in my long absence. Then there is the whole 'i' before "e" thing which I seem to have a problem perfecting. But...does that really matter? There is no sheer and utter brilliance here. Hecks no. That is way too much pressure. Besides there are other blogs on this site with more skill and pull than mine and that is Just FIne. What I want this to be about is honesty. HOnesty as to where I am at the moment. What is on my mind. How can writing this, and getting it out of my head, help me let go and move past things I have not been able to? What is it I need to let go of?

That is my main focus. What gets me to move past things. That is the only thing I can really be sure of. By keeping this I am putting my head to bed. Therefore having said that, I am just perusing though my mind surveying some random thoughts, thinking at how these affect me in the here and now.

I am thinking.....

....how on earth survive did humans survive this subarctic freeze? we have really gotten out of touch with the basic fundamentals and feel we have lost something sacred in this "evolutionary process."

Is facebook a blessing or an evil? Right now, I feel social networking is like crack. It has no real substance unless you actually make an effort to CONNECT with the people with whom you are facebook friends. I try to send peeps at least a message every now and then...or else why befriend them? Seems silly and a waste of time to just accumulate friends with no real substance. Have I gotten lazy with social interaction because of the ease of internet networking?

I am feeling the pressure of holiday visitors. I have so many things I want to get done around the house, so little time to complete them. Oh well. It is what it is.

Am i having a boy or a girl? Does baby like the fact i have eaten so much oatmeal?

Is there a way to reconnect?

Does Zoey want to take a walk in sub zero weather? I already know the answer to that...no. it pains her enough to have to go outside to pee.

I love all my babies. my 2 human babies and furry ones.

i am grateful to be able to expel random thoughts...

even more touched if someone takes time out of their life to read them.....

understands.

listens. 

 I want hear the secrets whispered in the ice today (yes, I am getting a little ethereal).
I really don't care about the 'i" before "e" thing.

have a blessed day.

I don't know what it is. I am sure if given the chance, I could analyze until there was no fundamental 'magic" left over. However, I will not. I committed myself to studying the earths pulse and integrating my connection; and need to honor what comes up in me.

Yesterday at 4:15, I was driving to pick up my son. I looked up and saw the biggest almost full moon I have seen in a while. Having spent the last hour at home preparing for the upcoming days ahead-full moon, Yule.,Christmas...I thought this was a great confirmation of connection. How will I honor this time of clarity? How willI honor the longest night of the year and all of its symbolic meanings? How can I bring more light into myself? These are questions that ruminate in mind. No rush...i know I will be led by my intuition, so i need not stress.

Let me bring these lessons down to earth a bit. My everyday life is full of challanges (as is everyones). I find this a very healthy thing, since I feel rubbing up against new and awkward things are essential to learning and growing.
My son is having issues at school. He comes home with a behavior slip almost everyday. He is not bad. Just a social butterfly; and I feel perhaps the classroom he is in now is more regimented than I have known kindergarten to be. Not blaming, just observing. My son is gaining more independence and sometimes (in a hormonal sense) i am overwhelmed by sadness of how he doesn't need me like he used to. In the same token, i celebrate that newfound independence. I am learning more about him by watching him discern for himself. Tis a gift.
   My husband is working a lot. I am getting ready to host about 12-15 people, 4 dogs, and a cat for a week. I breathe deeply knowing how much i love playing hostess and hoping that i can stay energized. Keep grounded.
My body is changing. Although the sickness of the first trimester has waned, I am dealing with exhaustion, headaches, and heartburn. I retreat.
I can go on....but why? It's all good. Things are as they should be.

SO...on this long nights moon, I ask for claritty to keep me afloat during these times of great celebration, community, and lack of rest. More importantly, I will give thanks for having a beautiful independent child, dedicated husband, and the ability to host loved ones. I will remind myself to breathe deep, take in the frustration and in my heart change it to a blessing. As much as I can. I will keep my humanness in fhe forefront realizing all things in good time....patience.

I trudge along on this sacred night. I keep in my mind connection with earth, spirit, and my humanity. Breathe. breathe. breathe.

friendships. i sooo want to believe friendships can last forever. It breaks my heart whenever I lose touch with a true friend. However, it is a bittersweet blessing because it makes me cherish my time with them all the more.

natures ephemeral beauty.

I give gratitude for the hundreds of geese  flying overhead this morning.  those beauties gave my son a moment of joy before heading off to school.



image courtesy of  Peter La Tourrette at birdphotography.com

Just a few words before I start the day.

The snow last night was wonderful. When I took my dog outside today, there was a blanket of uninterrupted snow on everything. It made it look really majestic. I ove the smell of the air after a snow. Smells so clean.

Frustration came to the forefront last night. The remedey was to ride it out alone in my room telling myself this shall pass. Everything is ephemeral. Even the most lonely, frustrating, and somewhat overwhelming feelings.

Feeling the baby move. The first time I felt the "flip" was last friday and since then, there have been little movements. Feels good to be almost halfway through the preganancy.

All will be well.

These days of waking up before the sun are a gift. I forgot how much i love to greet the new day as it breaks in the ever promising east. I got up and went outside with my dog to get a whiff of the predawn air. It smelled of snow coming from the west off the mountains.It leaves me with the thought, " I am intrigued by weather."

There are two things I will be mindful of as I move along in the day. One-Today is a day of gratitude. Two-It is also the dark moon. Put them together and you have the workings of a very powerful day. What makes it so? Perhpas the answer is simple and sometimes overlooked.

As I logged onto the computer, the first news I see is of the horrendous attacks happening in India. The digust, disbelief, and compassion for those directly affected increase as I read the words, "bodies, hostages, targeting Americans and British, blood...." you get the point. By the end of the article I was shaking my head, wondering that in all these centuries we have not found a way better than the way of war and terror to get our points across. However, I am certain that is changing, indeed. I then turn to a story about a british man accused of horrendous acts to his daughters. I am left feeling overwhelemed by the news. These tragedies of lives so disrespected. I breathe, shut the page, and make the conscious choice to let the light in. I took that time to sit, breathe, and be grateful of my life, it's slow pace,  it's peace and wish that same gratitude to others who are  less fortunate. I send my light, with the help of brothers and sisters all over the world, to those who are affected by viloence of any type. I send them peace. I send them a token of love. It is only my ability to be grateful for my great abundance that I am able send out light and love with integrity and sincerity.  I believe sending light into the world does not mean you shirk off the darkness, it is the abiity to look at it for what it is. Examine it. Then let it go. Send it light. Donate. Get active. Be political. Find solutions to alleviate the suffering. So today, I wll remember those who are less fortunate. Who plead for their lives, freedom, and self respect and send them my desire for success. My need and want for them to be liberated. To be given the opportunity to heal.

Why the dark moon? As a lover of the moon and her cycles, I am aware of the power of the dark moon. With her comes the power to set things into motion. To focus on an aspect of life and see it figuatively burst forth, as the new moon does as it begins to wax. What would you like to manifest on this day of gratitude? What could we collectively set in motion with the help of the lunar mother? She provides celestial guidance in her phases. This is the phase of getting the wheels turning. Being active.  Having a national holiday of gratitde coincide with the dark moon is a blessing. With all the good energy of giving thanks, we can set into motion great change. We can watch it burst forth.  If anything, perhaps it will make it easier to see worldwide tragedies as an opportunity to change the paradigm of violence.

Here is to setting things into motion.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Having been in the theatre world for more years than I can remember, I was tempted to just say  "acting" and leave it at that. However, I would only be speaking in half truths.  Acting is a great form of catharsis. It allows me, with the use of other peoples words, to dissect and create choices that perhaps I would not entertain in reality. It is very freeing and has saved my life many times (especially through adolesence).

Unfortunately, I need more. I need to know what the final picture will look like. I love the feeling of knowing the words leaving my mouth are my own-penned from my own experience. I love the feeling of dancing on stage knowing the form, the line, the rhythym came from someplace within. I love knowing the emotions rising and falling in a cadence on stage are from my own impulsivity; my own understanding of the emotional transitions. I love choosing words, worlds, and whilrwinds. All of the above makes it hard for me to answer this question in a very "black and white" way. However, nothing in life is that simple. Why then do we insist on just "black and white?'

Performance. Writing. Dancing. Creating honesty on a stage. This is a salvation. Without this, i am not sure where my discoveries would have been. Perhaps I would have found something equally profound, however, this is the path I am on; and I am proud to say all of these expressions are from nature. The twirl of a moving body reneacts the creation of the universe. Writing from somewhere within allows us to explore humanity with it's light and shadow. The same can be said for making choices as a character on stage. It all "holds a mirror up to nature." Therefore, to make a short story long....nature itself is my favorite form of creative expression because it creates the spectrum of forms which mesh together or stand on their own without pretense or over analysis (the death of art.)
 
Dancers have looked at dead trees and been inspred to shift thier bodies into its shapes. Writers have looked and experienced just about everything in nature and have (with their words) explained the souls reaction to such observation. Theatre itself was born from the world of ritual. It's early incarnations were to revere the gods, goddess, nature, and various spirits. In these rituals, it was said the actors themselves would manifest into the diety, the great ritual moment, the catharsis ...and bring a release to all who experience it.
Nature, being the grand master artist is also the greatest muse. Through it we try to understand our connection and disconnection to it.

I have digressed off the point a bit and made this into a dissertation of sorts. However, I am grateful for this question so early in the morning.  But through the thought process above (and my inability to swear an allegiance to one meduim) I will say  for the second time-nature-and ponder how deep I can take this throughout the day.